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dreams

by Pax Ressler

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1.
deadname 02:19
fuck the answer i resent the question i’m running out of time i’m standing at the bottom of a paper skyscraper i don’t wanna climb and i don’t know that name fuck the pressure i resent adrenaline and i don’t wanna play i’m crawling on my stomach and reaching for a letter just too far away and i don’t know that name an uphill climb a race against time i’m behind fuck the answer i resent the question i’m running out of time i’m climbing up a ladder that’s broken and on fire kind of like my mind and i don’t know that name and i don’t know that name
2.
i just had a dream that i was at my grandma's house... i just had a dream that i had this like beautiful lover... i just had a dream about a deadly scourge in a small town... (indecipherable, overlapping) in a race against time, i'm filling out a gigantic crossword puzzle where the final clue is my deadname i just had a dream... (indecipherable, overlapping) i just had a dream that i'm really overwhelmed by I just woke up from it
3.
christopher 03:57
you came out of nowhere made me a believer i never felt so alive we solved the world’s problems in elegant whispers we fit a whole life in one night i can’t let go i can’t let go you pierced me with candor and saw me completely hanging on my every breath you came out of nowhere made me a believer i loved you the minute we met i can’t let go i can’t let go i can’t let go i can’t let go christopher "But like I don't know this person. I have never known this person and yet like my whole body is like wrapped up in that story. And wrapped up in like who that person was, having never met them. Um, I think I am really taken with like a first, chance meeting that feels like it's building to something. And then like when the rug is pulled out, it's like, 'Oh, wow. What could this have been? What could this relationship have been?'" i’ll never forget you and all that we started when you were alive you came out of nowhere made me a believer i never told you goodbye i can’t let go i can’t let go "I miss Christopher so much."
4.
bros 00:45
bey bro, hey were you looking my way? i need your head in the game because it’s game time (game time) hey man, hey do you know that I’m gay? i’m afraid and aroused at the same time (uhh) bros bros toxic, sweaty, macho, fetish bros “Yeah, I don't know why I have so many dreams about like the bros. That that's like one of the safer spaces to be with them—is in dreams.”
5.
needle and thread in hand i sew stitching the seams of fabric closed hours and hours, my fingers sore all of my work is worth it for hairy gay bears dancing in pairs putting on airs, all of them wearing flowing gowns leather and lace gossip and grace spinning in place, face to face, around and round hands on the keys at night i write penciling pages black from white hours and hours, pushing through all of my work in service to hairy gay bears dancing in pairs putting on airs, melodies blaring all around sacred and strange rhythm and range deftly arranged, change after change, unsafe and sound “I just had a dream that I was the costume designer for a high school production where I was putting hairy gay bears in beautiful period dresses and writing music for them. I was composing a musical that I don’t remember what it was about anymore.” hairy gay bears dancing in pairs putting on airs, all of them wearing flowing gowns leather and lace gossip and grace spinning in place, face to face, around and round
6.
gloria 00:58
gloria, gloria gloria, gloria gloria, gloria gloria, gloria gloria, gloria
7.
always there 00:52
"I think I live my life with, um—not a fair amount of denial—but there are just like pieces that I’m not letting come to the surface…sometimes. And this dream I think really reminded me of the pain that is always there…in my queerness and in losing a friend. Um, that’s what I’m in touch with right now in this waking up state is like, yeah, I don’t bring that to my consciousness all the time—both of those things, either of those things—but they’re always there. I think that’s really like where a lot of my pain sits."
8.
just a dream 02:36
i still remember how your shoulders look and your purple v-neck tee the way you breathe when you’re asleep at night the things that only i could see i just can’t help that i’m still pissed at you i’m not convinced you ever cared sometimes I stay up and think of you It’s almost like you’re there who are you? who am i without you? i have a journal of my memories that i look at when in doubt i saw a line where you come out to me but I guess i blocked it out i wonder if you ever think of me the way I thought of you for years but i don’t think about you much today as if you were never here who are you? who am i without you? did we ever meet? or was it just a dream?

about

Come put your head on the pillow next to me.

For the past two years, I’ve recorded my dreams. In the first semi-conscious moment after a dream, I grab my phone and record a voice memo. I only remember the dream in these first few liminal moments before I drift off to sleep again. Later, I find these surprising, bizarre and sleepy voice memos on my phone. I have no memory of them, but each dream was as deeply real to me as my waking reality.

These are some of my dreams.

credits

released December 20, 2023

Written, Recorded and Produced by Pax Ressler

Supported by wonderful Patreon friends: Ash Shirazi, Ben Toews, Chelle Bruhn, Doug Brunk, David B. Reynolds, Elizabeth Speigle, Erin Allison, Jackie Soro, Jennifer Harris Dault, Jim Hummel, Katie Gencay, Lyndsey McCormick, Marilee Tuomanen, Mary Alice & Gerald Ressler, Marshall Biever, Mitchell Carney, Rachel Camp, Sam Rosario, Sana DelCorazón, Sav Souza, Tara Culp-Ressler, and Tara Hershberger

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about

Pax Ressler Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Pax Ressler is a queer, transfemme singer-songwriter based in Philadelphia. Her albums "Change" and "dreams" are love letters to the trans and non-binary community.

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