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1. |
deadname
02:19
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fuck the answer
i resent the question
i’m running out of time
i’m standing at the bottom
of a paper skyscraper
i don’t wanna climb
and i don’t know that name
fuck the pressure
i resent adrenaline
and i don’t wanna play
i’m crawling on my stomach
and reaching for a letter
just too far away
and i don’t know that name
an uphill climb
a race against time
i’m behind
fuck the answer
i resent the question
i’m running out of time
i’m climbing up a ladder
that’s broken and on fire
kind of like my mind
and i don’t know that name
and i don’t know that name
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2. |
i just had a dream
00:49
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i just had a dream that i was at my grandma's house...
i just had a dream that i had this like beautiful lover...
i just had a dream about a deadly scourge in a small town...
(indecipherable, overlapping)
in a race against time, i'm filling out a gigantic crossword puzzle where the final clue is my deadname
i just had a dream...
(indecipherable, overlapping)
i just had a dream that i'm really overwhelmed by
I just woke up from it
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3. |
christopher
03:57
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you came out of nowhere
made me a believer
i never felt so alive
we solved the world’s problems
in elegant whispers
we fit a whole life in one night
i can’t let go
i can’t let go
you pierced me with candor
and saw me completely
hanging on my every breath
you came out of nowhere
made me a believer
i loved you the minute we met
i can’t let go
i can’t let go
i can’t let go
i can’t let go
christopher
"But like I don't know this person. I have never known this person and yet like my whole body is like wrapped up in that story. And wrapped up in like who that person was, having never met them. Um, I think I am really taken with like a first, chance meeting that feels like it's building to something. And then like when the rug is pulled out, it's like, 'Oh, wow. What could this have been? What could this relationship have been?'"
i’ll never forget you
and all that we started
when you were alive
you came out of nowhere
made me a believer
i never told you goodbye
i can’t let go
i can’t let go
"I miss Christopher so much."
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4. |
bros
00:45
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bey bro, hey
were you looking my way?
i need your head in the game because it’s game time (game time)
hey man, hey
do you know that I’m gay?
i’m afraid and aroused at the same time (uhh)
bros
bros
toxic, sweaty, macho, fetish
bros
“Yeah, I don't know why I have so many dreams about like the bros. That that's like one of the safer spaces to be with them—is in dreams.”
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5. |
hairy gay bears
03:18
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needle and thread in hand i sew
stitching the seams of fabric closed
hours and hours, my fingers sore
all of my work is worth it for
hairy gay bears
dancing in pairs
putting on airs, all of them wearing flowing gowns
leather and lace
gossip and grace
spinning in place, face to face, around and round
hands on the keys at night i write
penciling pages black from white
hours and hours, pushing through
all of my work in service to
hairy gay bears
dancing in pairs
putting on airs, melodies blaring all around
sacred and strange
rhythm and range
deftly arranged, change after change, unsafe and sound
“I just had a dream that I was the costume designer for a high school production where I was putting hairy gay bears in beautiful period dresses and writing music for them. I was composing a musical that I don’t remember what it was about anymore.”
hairy gay bears
dancing in pairs
putting on airs, all of them wearing flowing gowns
leather and lace
gossip and grace
spinning in place, face to face, around and round
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6. |
gloria
00:58
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gloria, gloria
gloria, gloria
gloria, gloria
gloria, gloria
gloria, gloria
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7. |
always there
00:52
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"I think I live my life with, um—not a fair amount of denial—but there are just like pieces that I’m not letting come to the surface…sometimes. And this dream I think really reminded me of the pain that is always there…in my queerness and in losing a friend. Um, that’s what I’m in touch with right now in this waking up state is like, yeah, I don’t bring that to my consciousness all the time—both of those things, either of those things—but they’re always there. I think that’s really like where a lot of my pain sits."
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8. |
just a dream
02:36
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i still remember how your shoulders look
and your purple v-neck tee
the way you breathe when you’re asleep at night
the things that only i could see
i just can’t help that i’m still pissed at you
i’m not convinced you ever cared
sometimes I stay up and think of you
It’s almost like you’re there
who are you?
who am i without you?
i have a journal of my memories
that i look at when in doubt
i saw a line where you come out to me
but I guess i blocked it out
i wonder if you ever think of me
the way I thought of you for years
but i don’t think about you much today
as if you were never here
who are you?
who am i without you?
did we ever meet?
or was it just a dream?
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Pax Ressler Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Pax Ressler is a queer, transfemme singer-songwriter based in Philadelphia. Her albums "Change" and "dreams" are love letters to the trans and non-binary community.
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